Title: Gimmie Someone to Believe in
Series: The Redemption of Lost Souls through Love and Vengeance
Fandoms: Supernatural and Angel: The Series
Characters: Sam Winchester, Lindsey McDonald, Castiel
Content Warnings: Non-Cannon Compliant: Supernatural, Non-Cannon Compliant: Angel: The Series, Pre-Slash, Dean being an asshole,
Word Count: 3,660
Notes: For Rivermoon1970.
I am dusting off an old series, and giving it a new go. I needed something that wasn’t Tony DiNozzo to write on, and this caught my eye. If you think you’ve read something similar to it before, it is on my old LiveJournal page. I am making changes from the original plo, though.
Also, while this isn’t Anti-Dean or Anti-Castiel, this series won’t be for those that believe they have no faults. PLEASE go into this series understanding IN MY OPINION Dean was a complete self-righteous asshat in season 5. I, also, don’t hate Cas, but don’t love him either. This story will be about Sam and Lindsey. You will NOT be seeing things from Dean’s point of view. I’m sorry if this upsets some of you, but this is the story I want to tell. I am not trying to piss people off from the jump, but I’ve watched the Supernatural fandom enough to know how some fans are. Comments will be moderated, and asshats will be deleted.
That being said… if anyone is still around, enjoy the story!
Summary: Sam is tired. Lindsey is tired. The angels are playing matchmaker. This is the start of two lonely men finding companionship on their road to acceptance and redemption.
Gimmie Someone to Believe in
Prompt #001 Tired
Sighing deeply, Sam made his way up the long lane to the cabin he’d been crashing in. There was a small town nearby it that he could walk to for supplies and such. It was small enough that he felt he could safely hide from the outside world. However, it was big enough that, at the same time, he felt he had a shot at finding some of the sense of belonging that he so desperately needed. Although he knew his presence would be whispered about, he hoped his status as an outsider would allow him to be left alone enough that he could quietly wallow in his guilt and resentment.
Logically Sam knew hiding was probably not the answer. He felt that maybe it was a little bit childish, which made him feel even guiltier. He felt as if he was throwing some kind of temper tantrum for being excluded from ‘The Big One’, even though logically he knew that wasn’t what he was doing. He knew that he shouldn’t blame Dean, and wanted to make things as easy as possible for him. He just had to remember that this whole mess was his fault, when the resentment kicked in. Sam had been the one to mess up. Sam was always the one to mess up. When Dean seemed to have finally got sick of picking up after Sam’s messes, little brother left as quietly and unassuming as possible, just like big brother wanted.
Surprisingly, it was Castiel who helped Sam find this place. Sam had been wandering the roads, bags over one shoulder, hands stuffed in his pockets, feeling like maybe the nearest cliff would be the place to head to, when the outcast angel appeared. He suggested that Sam take refuge outside the nearby town. He had to admit he was more than a little reluctant to believe Castiel really wanted to help him, and still wondered if he only sought to cast Sam as far from Dean as possible. The angel had insisted though that Sam was wrong. According to Cas, he merely wanted to help the younger Winchester, and give him time to find his way back to the correct path. Of course, Sam wasn’t convinced that Cas’ notion of Sam’s correct path was the same thing as Sam’s actual correct path.
Not having any other options at hand, Sam took the chance, and followed Castiel’s instructions heading for the small town. He went straight to the general store where Doris, who owned and ran the place, seemed to be waiting for him. After not much more than an ‘oh you poor baby’, Sam was loaded down with anything and everything Doris deemed necessary for survival. He was then sent off to the cabin he was now calling home.
Every day Sam got up at the crack of dawn, and, went through training exercises that would leave even his father impressed. After that he ate a quick easy breakfast of fruit and granola bars, before heading to town to do whatever menial errands Doris needed attended to. Sometimes he worked around the store, and sometimes for some local resident who needed an extra pair of hands. In exchange for his work, Doris kept his stomach filled, and his mind almost busy enough to forget he was responsible for bringing about the apocalypse.
He had no car. Sam chose instead to walk everywhere. He figured that if it wasn’t close enough to walk to then he didn’t need to go there. Eventually he wanted to get back to hunting, and didn’t know what he would do then. For now he wasn’t going to worry about it, though. He would cross that bridge when he came to it. Right then, his weary mind and bruised soul probably weren’t up to the stress and concentration needed to make it out of a solo hunt alive. So, instead, Sam contented himself with stocking shelves and repairing roofs and squeaky hinges on doors to get through his day.
He was lonely though.
Sam was lonelier than he had ever been in his life. Even being separated from his family while he was at Stanford hadn’t been this bad. He had no contact with the outside world beyond town. He was pretty sure a cell phone or computer would be useless at the cabin, although to be fair he hadn’t really tried either. He had little urge to contact the world beyond that which he could walk to. Most days he didn’t even bring the cell to town with him, where he knew he would get a signal. Frankly, the silence he would get day after day when it didn’t ring would make his depression even worse than it already was.
He hoped that Cas had kept his word to let Dean and Bobby know he was safe. He’d sent them each a text to let them know that he was ok. He’d wanted to tell them so much more, had so many things he wanted to say to them, to apologize to them for, but in the end had left it at that. He just couldn’t handle the possibility that they just wouldn’t care to hear what he had to say. At least this way, he still had the chance that some day they would see it in their hearts at the very least to not hate him.
As he reached the point where the cabin finally came into view, Sam paused noticing a battered old pickup truck sitting not far from the open front door. The truck bed pointed towards the cabin door seemed to be filled with random appliances, and even what looked to be a generator. While he stood watching, a man came out of cabin, shitless and covered in tattoos at least from the waist up.
Sam hadn’t realized he’d started moving again, until the guy lifted a hand in greeting. “You Sam?” He called causing Sam to stop and frown. He found himself to be more unsure of what this stranger was doing at his admittedly temporary home, than he was intrigued by what he could now see were runic tattoos covering said stranger.
“Who are you?” Sam answered in way of greeting, knowing he sounded gruff and unfriendly, but didn’t know how else to react. Surprises weren’t really his gig as of late.
“Name’s Lindsey. Lindsey McDonald to be exact. Cas said you were lookin’ for a partner, an’ that nice lady at the store sent me here.”
Frowning Sam began to move forward again slowly, the new information doing nothing to sooth us feeling of unease. “Cas?” Sam questioned, feigning confusion, unwilling to just believe that Castiel cared enough about him to send him someone to ease his loneliness and isolation.
“I told you, God cares about you too, Sam Winchester,” Sam heard from behind, and jumping turned quickly to see Castiel standing there behind him looking as solemn and intense as ever. “Cas? I don’t… what are you doing here?”
“I promised your brother I would watch out for you,” Cas said in way of answer, and Sam crossed his arms scowling. “Dean made it more than clear that I am not his first concern. I thought he was off playing warrior angel for you good guys? I find it hard to believe he has the time to even remember I exist, let alone worry about me.”
“Where has your faith gone, Sam?” Cas asked frowning now himself. “You should know by now that your brother cares about nothing and no one more than he does you. When I went to see him as you asked me to, I had a hard time keeping him from coming after you. You staying out of contact isn’t helping.”
Sensing Sam’s guilt and agitation only increasing, Cas mentally shook himself, realizing this was not the appropriate strategy to take. Lately there were many things the angel didn’t agree with that either had been done or were being done, and the handling and manipulation of Sam Winchester was very close to the top of the list.
“No matter what your brother does, Sam, he only wants you to be safe. He loves and misses you. It was only by my promise that I would insure no harm came to you while he was fighting this battle with Lucifer that he agreed to go through with his deal. I can tell you don’t believe this, Sam, but there is nothing your brother wants more than to make things right between the two of you.”
“How can he want that? Haven’t I caused enough trouble for him already? When did this miraculous turnaround happen, anyway? The last thing he said to me was that I’d created a mess he had to clean up for the last time, and he was tired of me. He was the one that said together we just make everything worse. He was the one that told me to leave, and not come back. Just like when dad did when I went to college, and Dean didn’t say anything that time either. I just… I just want him to not hate me. I just want to… I didn’t mean to…”
“I never wanted to be evil,” Sam finally whispered. Cas was certain, if he was human and had human feelings, this would have broken his heart. While Cas didn’t understand Sam’s actions as of late, he’d seen enough of Sam’s life, both past and present, to know this was a loving, intelligent, man. He deeply cared for others, but no one more than his older brother. There was no doubt in the angel’s mind that Sam had never at any time intended for anything that had come about to actually happen. He was certain that had Sam not been battling grief and manipulation, both direct and indirect from both heaven and hell, that things would have turned out much differently.
Cas believed that Sam deserved the chance to redeem himself as much as he believed Sam could redeem himself. “You are not evil, Sam.” Cas assured quickly, not for the first time aware that this belief by Sam had been ingrained in him so deeply. It was no wonder things had turned out the way they had.
“If you were, you and I would not be standing here. You may not believe in yourself, Sam, and you may not believe that God believes in you. I assure you though that he does. Not only that, but I believe in you, and your brother believes in you. So, I need you to find peace with yourself Sam.
“I need you to let yourself heal from both your own actions and Ruby’s manipulations. I need you to allow yourself to find your confidence again, because while my superiors may think Dean going at this on his own is for the best, I do not agree. I have no doubt that before all this is over, your brother will need not only your help, but others as well to help to complete his task.”
“Aren’t you the one that called me an abomination? I don’t understand why you are trying to help me. Frankly, I find it hard to believe that you really want to help me. I’m not trying to be ungrateful, Cas, but just…”
Taking a deep breath, Sam shook his head, and turned for a moment to see the stranger standing on the porch, watching him and Cas almost warily. “You really sent this guy to be my partner?”
“I did, Sam. You are not the only one who is seeking a chance to prove yourself, or who has been without companionship for too long.”
“Companionship?” Sam repeated, eyebrow quirked at the word selection.
“Yes,” Cas frowned wondering if he had used the wrong word. “He shares your… preferences. I know that it has been a long time since you have… indulged yourself, but I am told you and Lindsey are a perfect match. You will make a perfect… couple?”
Sam opened his mouth then shut it blinking at Castiel unable to comprehend that an angel was in front of him playing some weird heavenly version of the dating game. Surely he was misunderstanding, and this was just some weird way of referring to a hunting partner. “A couple? Are we talking hunting partners here Cas or… boyfriends?”
“We are aware you have not let yourself have that kind of… companionship since you left Stanford and began traveling with your brother again. I can assure you he would not care Sam. You sexual preference is the last thing your brother cares for. All that would matter to him is that you are happy, and Lindsey will fit into your life quite well in all aspects.”
“I do not feel comfortable in revealing his past to you, but I can promise you, Sam, that he not only understands your life. He has much experience in dealing with the… supernatural. Would it be so bad to just… give it a chance?”
Shaking his head Sam turned to look at Lindsey once more, only to turn back and find Castiel gone. Sighing and muttering under his breath about irritating angels, Sam turned once more and scratching the back of his head, headed toward the porch where Lindsey was watching him.
From deep enough into the woods that he wouldn’t be seen, Cas let himself change back to his normal vessel shape. Making a face, Gabriel shuddered. “I feel dirty. I was not made to be that damned uptight.”
Turning to look at his companion, Gabe scowled. “Just what the ever loving fuck have they been doing up there? Sam is a lot of things. Headstrong, dependent on his brother too much, sometimes too eager to help others. He definitely takes too much on himself, and sometimes makes bad decisions when trying to save the world. An abomination though is a little strong of a word.”
“Well he did drink demon blood.” His companion pointed out, and Gabriel scowled.
“Yeah, he wasn’t manipulated into that at all. I find it convenient that supposed good guys didn’t feel the need to step in to help Sam, but the second Dean’s in trouble they fall all over themselves getting him out of hell. Might I point out Dean got himself into that situation. Dean chose to make a deal. Dean knew what he was doing. Dean was only trying to get his brother back so he wouldn’t be lonely. Sam was trying to revenge his brother’s death, with no help or positive influence from the good guys. What the fuck kind of double standard is that bullshit?”
“Why do you think I called you into help? This isn’t right. I know you just want all this to end, Gabriel, but Sam is as much your charge as Dean is Castiel’s. With so much against him, I think he needs a little stronger ally then his brother does. If he didn’t I just would have done this myself.
“I also don’t think projecting your own need to reunite our family is the way to go here. Dean made a clear choice and declaration. Sam needs to do what is best for Sam. His whole life, or close to it, heaven has been manipulating him into a showdown that will only see an innocent man in hell, if they succeed. How is that right?”
Gabriel sighed and looked back to where Sam and Lindsey were eyeing each other. Knowing it was useless to fight, as the injustice of what heaven had done to Sam Winchester was already under his skin, Gabriel looked back to his brother. “Alright, Balthazar. You win. I am in. You and I will team up to make sure when the idiotic plan to have heaven’s hand chosen warrior save the planet on his own blows up in their faces, Team McWin will be ready to go.”
Balthazar bowed partially amused, but felt he should clarify his statement. “Lindsey did stress that he would only withhold the truth of Cas not being Cas until he thought that he could trust young Samuel. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have only hours left instead of days or weeks of your secret being a secret.”
Gabriel snorts. “I would hope not. You’re his very own Castiel.”
“I don’t like it, but he’s right. More lies is not what Sammy needs. It will be good working with you again, Bal. You always were one of my favorite brothers.”
Balthazar winked then disappeared off to check on things he had in motion. He was painfully close to getting his hands on another artifact.
Gabriel shook his head, and after checking that the boys were giving each other a chance disappeared to one of his hiding places. He needed a better undercover identity than Castiel that was apparent.
~*LS*~ ~*LS*~ ~*LS*~ ~*LS*~ ~*LS*~ ~*LS*~ ~*LS*~ ~*LS*~
“S’not like I expect us to jump right into Ozzie and Harriet right off,” Lindsey said in way of greeting as Sam stepped up onto the porch. He then blushed at the younger man’s raised eyebrow. “I umm… overheard. Look I don’t know about this… heavenly matchmaker stuff myself but, well…” Lindsey looked down and sighed. “I haven’t always been the best person. I’ve hurt a lot of people, and in the end I got screwed by both the good guys and the bad guys when I tried to make up a little for what I’d done. Cas said… Well… he told me about your brother an’… It’s just… I was there myself and… I’m so damn tired, Sam.”
Snorting Lindsey turned and walked down to the side of the porch, staring unseeing into the forest that surrounded the cabin. “Seems like my whole damn life I’ve been fightin’ for every damn thing, and always fuckin’ shit up. I just… I wanna belong somewhere, Sam. I want someone I can trust. I want… I’m so tired of being alone.”
Taking a deep breath, Sam nodded, understanding just how the other man felt, and admitted to himself, that maybe, just possibly it really wouldn’t be so bad to give this a shot. “Yeah man,” Sam assured heading over and laying a hand on Lindsey’s shoulder. When the shorter man turned, Sam lifted the same hand, running the backs of his fingers over Lindsey’s cheek. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“It would be nice not to be so completely alone. I mean I’ve been away from my family before, but I was at Stanford with a ton of friends and people around. Miss Doris at the store is nice, and the people I’ve met have been friendly for the most part. It isn’t the same though. I want to hunt.”
Sam chuckled humorlessly. “I never thought I would say that. My father must be screaming ‘I told you so’ wherever he’s at.”
“What do you mean you know?” Lindsey inquired crossing his arms over his chest, and studied Sam. Lindsey’s ‘tell me’ sounded more like a request than an order, and its tone startled Sam enough that he actually started before realizing what he was doing. He started at ‘When I was six months old a demon came after me to keep a deal my mother made, and it killed her’ and went from there.
He told Lindsey about growing up in crappy hotels and being raised by a big brother who was little more than a child and a better father than his real father had been. He talked about being disowned for going to college.
He talked about having a home for the first time ever, even if it was a crappy dorm with a crappy room mate who had something under his bed all year that smelled dead. He told him about throwing rock salt and holy water under there one night to make sure whatever it was wouldn’t attack him.
He told him about Jessica and falling in love, and then watching it all go up in flames. He told him about Dean and leaving Dean and missing Dean. Dean coming back to pull him back into hunting, maybe not as kicking and screaming as Sam wanted to make it seem that first night standing out in the cold by the Impala. He told him about realizing that if Dean hadn’t done so, Sam probably wouldn’t have survived this long. He told him about his guilt over never making sure that his big brother knew how much Sam appreciated that. He confessed to realizing normal life was a pipe dream, and knowing he’d never do anything but the family business. He confessed that maybe secretly that didn’t even bother him anymore.
He told him about Azazel and being the hunter and the hunted at the same time. He told him about Jake and Dean’s deal and Dean’s last year. He explained Ruby and the demons blood and his powers. Eventually he even explained Lucifer and Lilith and how he was responsible for this mess the world was in at the moment.
And when he got done Lindsey just nodded and said, “I guess you do know.”
Lindsey then walked around Sam to the truck, and began pulling something else out. At the last second though he stopped, and look back to see Sam looking at him frowning from the porch still. “You’re build like an NFL linebacker, dude. Think you could help my short ass haul the rest of this crap inside?”
Glad to have something to do, and someone to point him in the correct direction, Sam hurried off the porch to help finish unloading the truck.
The End of Story #1
End Note: This whole series is for Rivermoon1970 who has done a shit ton of hand holding on my Rough Trade fic. You’re awesome!! Thanks bunches! I am so glad we’ve become friends!