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“An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious – just dead wrong. ” – Russell Baker
Walking into his home, Derek threw his keys into the dish by the front door, and headed to the kitchen taking a beer out of the fridge, before making his way into the living room. Sinking down into his worn leather couch, Derek tried to run the problem through his head as he was trained to looking for all the clues. Quickly he reasoned away Hotch, not willing to believe that Reid was the kind of guy that would go after a married man. That was just too far off from the man he knew to think he’d do such a thing.
Gideon wasn’t into guys that Derek knew for sure, but then Spencer had said that it was a straight man. Of course he didn’t know any of them were so he supposed that wasn’t a good tool, but for some reason that was sticking in his mind so he let it stay. Not to mention Spencer and Gideon had a mentor/pupil thing going on, which did occasionally cause for feelings to develop on the pupil side that were outside of the normal bounds. Then there was the fact that Gideon was closer to being like Spencer than any of the rest of them so he couldn’t picture Reid being into him that way. Coming back to the mentor thing Derek knew that Gideon was one of the people Spencer trusted the most. Derek didn’t think that Reid would ever convert that into something sexual. That also was too far off character for their little genius. Not to mention, Gideon was old and that was just… Derek shuddered at the thought.
No, he supposed, if Reid was gonna go after someone, it would be someone closer to his own age. Reid would want someone attractive who knew how to have fun. He’d probably want someone who could drag him out of his shell a little, but, at the same time, it would have to be someone who could be sensitive to Reid’s family issues and willing to deal if it ever happened to Reid himself. Reid would want someone who was in it for the long haul. He wouldn’t be a date for the moment kind of guy.
Frowning around his bottle of beer, Derek realized that the only person left on the team who fit was himself. Carefully setting the beer down, Derek scowled and shook his head. Surely he must be wrong. He’d never been with a guy despite the secret longings he’d had from time to time. So, Reid had no reason to believe that he had or would want to be, which again remembering Reid’s words fit into the straight man comment. Quickly though the words flitted back out of his mind as panic and agitation started to set in.
Getting up Derek paced restlessly back and forth across the rug, hands curled into tight fists and jaw clenched. His pulse was racing and his breathing was erratic, he couldn’t get his mind to slow down from the through that Reid wanted him. He knew his past, hell he knew his mother.
How could he do this to him? How could he…?
“Hello?” Derek blinked down at his phone not remembering dialing it. “Derek? Are you there? Is something wrong? Are you hurt?”
“How could you?” Derek asked, while at the same time wondering what he was doing. He felt as if he were outside of his body watching someone else controlling it. Watching someone else pull his strings and speak his words.
“Derek, what?” Reid stammered obviously confused but all Derek felt was panic and rage. “REID HOW COULD YOU?”
“What makes you think I’m into guys? What makes you think…” All of a sudden Derek came back to himself and shut his phone ending the call. “Oh God.”
Rubbing a hand over his face Derek paced out of the room and into the back yard rubbing the back of his neck. Taking deep breaths, Derek tried to calm himself down so that he could think rationally again. Closing his eyes he cleared his mind and listened to the sounds around him. The dog barking somewhere behind him, the neighbor boy giggling playing in the pool, his mind brought up a picture. That smile Reid gave when he was truly happy, that moment in time when you could tell he felt a part of the team. That wide grin and those sparkling eyes, that impish look on his face, the way his words practically glowed.
He thought back to his reasoning as to who Reid would be looking for and realized that they weren’t Reid’s reasons, they were his reasons. They were the things he wanted Reid to be looking for because if he was honest with himself he wanted Reid to be looking for him. Reid believed he was straight. He’d said so himself. He had no idea that Derek returned his feelings or that he even hovered within the boundaries of the same sexual plane as Spencer did. Derek though wanted him to. He’d been so upset because he’d wanted him to work out the facts so that he didn’t ever had to say the words out loud himself.
He knew right now Spencer would be reworking his thoughts, restudying his data wondering if he’d miscalculated. Probably coming up with all the wrong ideas, or maybe not and coming close even if it wasn’t close enough. In the meantime he’d be panicking upset and alone, worried about a million different things most of which would never occur to the rest of them. Sometimes Derek wondered if a bigger brain didn’t mean more worrying and paranoia.
What he probably wouldn’t work, Derek figured, out was that it wasn’t a one way street. Derek let his head tilt back as his world began to slow. Knowing Reid he knew while he’d work through the fact that he might be into guys, there was no way that he would believe he stood a chance. When in fact he was one of the few who did stand a chance, Reid had gotten under his skin the way no one else had ever done.
Derek was drawn to his awkwardness, to his intelligence, to his quiet empathy. Reid, with all his geekiness, had managed what most seemed the impossible.
And Derek had just accused him sounding like some in the closet, self-hating, homophobe.
“What the hell have I done?”
Derek’s cell rang and looking down he groaned. This was just not the time.